I work at the strip mall coffee shop. Scratchy black shirt that itches on my clammy back. Slacks my ass looks too big in. Baseball hat that crushes my sweaty black hair into my ears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I lean forward to hide my tits. I\u2019ve become a goblin thing, using my shoulders and the bagginess of my shirt to pretend there\u2019s nothing there. Hides my name tag too. HI I\u2019M CANCER<\/em>. My black cap pulled over my head, just an acne-scarred mouth, they think I\u2019m a high school boy. I mumble so they can\u2019t hear my cleft palate wheeze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n People mostly come for the coffee, but we have all kinds of shitty food. I help people kill themselves. Chocolate-filled glazed donuts. Froyo spiraling into cups in glistening brown coils. Coffee spurting and steaming all around me. Ketchup splatting on slimy hot dogs, grease clogging the air clogging my arteries clogging my ass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n Night time. Walking up the hill to me and my mom\u2019s apartment on the edge of town. The only time this place has depth, when it\u2019s fucking obliterated by darkness. The gas stations and marts and the strip I work at, turn to stars. And after staring at the inside of a toilet, cash register, the counter, beige fucking walls, my flip phone, computer screen, even a little altitude makes me dizzy, makes me feel, I don\u2019t know, like something could happen. But the feeling is so big I don\u2019t know what to do with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I wish I could share it with someone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The guys I meet up with. We talk about my situation and I think maybe tonight I\u2019ll feel like a guy. But they\u2019re only interested in my pussy. I tell myself tonight is when I ask for the other thing, the thing I\u2019ve been jerking off to since I was 12 the thing I think about every single second, but when I\u2019m laying in the back of their car with my pants down I freeze up and can\u2019t say anything and then they go inside me. It hurts, but I guess that\u2019s normal. I\u2019m sure they have a good reason for not touching the other hole. It\u2019s dirty. Probably doesn\u2019t feel as good. It would be gross if I asked for that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n I never take my shirt off during sex. I wear my old swim top underneath from when I was uh 12 with some trash cartoon characters on it and it crushes my tits down but smells like shit, super moldy dogmouth smell. I don\u2019t wash it because I only have one, and we don\u2019t have a washing machine. One time I tried to wash it in the shower but I used too much laundry soap and I couldn\u2019t rinse it all out and it still foams when it gets wet and burns under my armpits. I don\u2019t have time to walk to the laundromat, and it would just get sweaty again on the way back. So fucking funny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n I go to a top surgery meeting where you can meet all the other idiots who need their tits cut off. They all have their life so much more together than mine. Their special fucking gender friends and their parents came with them or they have a car or I don\u2019t know I\u2019m just making shit up. I hate them. I\u2019m so fucking gross and I didn\u2019t have time to shower after work so I smell like armpit and boob sweat and dirty pads. I used to think no one can smell me but basically I spent the last year of high school learning my periods smell worse than everyone else\u2019s, like unusually bad, like a dead fish nosebleed, like vampire diarrhea, like the change I give customers, metal reacting to my sweaty palms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t know why people don\u2019t ask the questions I need to know. Waste of time, sitting here waiting for them to ask the questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Can I take my ADHD meds? Keyhole. Double incision. I don\u2019t know what size mine qualify for. I\u2019m not that big. I\u2019ve got that fetal alcohol syndrome and my mom reminds me everyday because she\u2019s still drinking and every year she gets worse, giving herself brain damage so she can\u2019t even stop anymore, she\u2019s just stupid and argumentative. Sometimes I worry, I only want to be a boy because I hate women and hate my mother who got pregnant and kept drinking and smoking and it\u2019s all so fucking gross and I\u2019m gross.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On the projector, they show a picture of nipples being lifted off, and put back on. I don\u2019t want them to look weird. My hairy brown nipples. Maybe I\u2019ll just have weird mushy Frankenstein nipples for the rest of my life. And I\u2019ll never take my clothes off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Can I still do my job? I start paying attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll need a ride. I\u2019ll need to take weeks, months off. I\u2019ll have T-Rex arms. Dinosaurs can\u2019t work fast food.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s no way I can get this surgery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I get yelled at for taking a day off when I\u2019m puking my guts out with the flu. I can\u2019t sit around for months. Doing nothing? That\u2019s insane. I\u2019d lose my job. My mom would kick me out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I leave. Last question I hear is, Can I go to the bathroom alone? Do I need help with the bathroom?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n How do people live with the fucking humiliation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll just get high.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n I get stupid high and listen to Killswitch Engage – My Curse<\/em> over and over until I\u2019m crying. I try to talk to my online “friends”, try to type \u201csad anime boy\u201d into the GIF search bar but I drop my phone and I can\u2019t\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n It’s so depressing how my room hasn\u2019t changed since I was a kid. Messes from high school I still haven\u2019t cleaned, piles of clothes and random garbage, and I only notice when I’m high. I feel so stupid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I took off my work clothes and everything and I\u2019m sitting there naked in front of my dresser, trying to find something to wear to bed. Something to bleed in. Going through my panties in total shock and awe. All these white crotches stained with years and years of disgusting shitblood like coffee stains or burning clouds. I need to buy some boy underwear. But I won\u2019t. I never do anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n Growing out my hairy legs like it means something. Makes me feel protected. If I can’t be a boy maybe I can be an animal. But I shave my pussy so I can see my dick. Kinda cool. Growing extra meat. My day off so I guess I\u2019ll get high and look at my new personal penis. Such as it be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My mom is banging around the kitchen. I know I\u2019ll hear a beer crack open soon. I spin the pink razor in my fingers, green moisturizer strip choked with black hair. I look at my shaved crotch, microdick peeking between my brown lips. Drops of water on it like an alien mushroom. Baby parasite. Hey lil guy…<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n After going on T, my shit smells different. Feels different coming out of me. Maybe it\u2019s just the job. I transitioned to this franchise, not a gender. All I have time to eat is the crap I sell. I\u2019m also so horney I could fucking die. I jerk off in the bathroom with the smell of rancid shit all around me, and it hurts to touch down there, 50% pussy agony 50% jerking off to painal muted on my phone and if the first gets to 51% I give up and wash the blood off my fingers, and if the second gets to 51% I cum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Only time I can do it during the week. I’m too tired when I get home, and it smells like booze from my mom drinking all day. She gets mean. You little shit. I don\u2019t see why I can’t ever be a big shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n The other half of the time she\u2019s crying and begging me to forgive her. I get all ready to hate her and then I\u2019m crying with her. I wish she\u2019d just go completely evil. I can\u2019t stand this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n I hate having my period in the staff toilet, it smells so bad and I bleed so much and it really fucking hurts. It looks like a miscarriage. And I\u2019m the one who has to clean it up. That\u2019s right. Not only do I have to stand all day and sell shitty food to people, I have to clean up what comes out too. You ever take the worst shit of your life in some public restroom? At least when the humiliation was over, you got to walk away. I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I was a kid, I took that for granted. My guts were pretty messed up but at least someone else took care of it. Then one day at school, I started bleeding. It felt like I was being ripped open and of course I was, I was bleeding, and I cried because I expected someone to make it all better. The nurse came and I was so relieved, and I was waiting for that Band-aid or some sugary medicine and then it would be fixed, like all the other times I got hurt. It would be fixed forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then she told me this was permanent. It was just going to be this way. No one was going to help me. No one could do anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt like a fucking, slave. Like they really told me what I was for the first time and I stopped seeing myself in the bats and the bugs and the airplanes. I couldn\u2019t go in their direction. I was getting heavier. I started seeing how trapped I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You know what most sentences end with? That’s my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I can\u2019t fit a tampon in, it hurts. I have a small pussy I guess or I\u2019m oversensitive. I have to change pads like every half hour. I double, triple pad during work because I can\u2019t take breaks for hours and it gets so fucking sticky and rancid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On my ten minute break, I eat the same food I have to sell and smell all day, knowing it\u2019ll give me constipation but it\u2019s all I can afford and even walking to the taco place next door and getting in line would be like, half those minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I stand up, all the clotted sludge just spills out of me. It\u2019s like I shit my pants from the front. I can feel how soaked my pads are, hypersaturated and disintegrating on my slimy crotch and I go to the bathroom super fast but all the stalls are occupied so I grab a paper towel and go in the corner and wipe wipe wipe, big black bloody bunches of shredded mucus like my body is trying to get rid of itself, it hates itself as much as I do. The cheap paper towels are rough on my pussy and scrape my t-dick and I come home raw every day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I can\u2019t even ask girls to check me now, seeing if I bled through. It was so automatic back in high school. But I’m not a girl anymore. I don’t know what I am. I\u2019m stuck somewhere else, with no one to talk to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n I read endometriosis comes from high estrogen levels. The girl who wants to become a boy, cursed with estrogen tumors. Isn\u2019t that amazing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I thought T was supposed to stop periods. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m doing my DIY wrong but shit\u2019s so bad. I keep missing injections. I barely have enough money to pay the guy I get it from. I\u2019m stuck with this disgusting body I made even worse. No one will tell me what to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I look into the darkness, the glass front of the store with me lit up inside like a shitty little lizard in the coffee terrarium. Everyone else has gone home. No one even comes here this late, but I have to be here for another two hours. There\u2019s nothing out there. HA HA HA. I have to laugh to hear something. You know? THERE\u2019S NOTHING OUT THERE.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n Grease oozes from my face. This acne is fucking killing me. I go to work and the grease soaks into my pores and I\u2019m surrounded by hyperfatty food I can\u2019t keep from shoving in my mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I pop my pimples like bubble wrap and the skin smears under my finger like loose plastic. Acne, endometriosis, my whole body is infested with cysts. I try Accutane and when I wake up my shirt is soaked with blood and pus. It looks like someone got murdered in it. I try to take it off and it\u2019s like I\u2019m ripping my skin off, like the time I tried to wax my pussy when I was 13, already hairy as shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I need to shower but it makes my skin sensitive and raw. So I go to work itchy, or I smell like greasy shitboy. And no matter what I pick, both are true by the time I clock out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n A guy comes in. Skinny. Dark hair, even oilier than mine. Wearing business casual, I guess. Wrinkled dress shirt with a freaky yellow tie that hurts my eyes. Eyes pink like he smokes a lot of weed or coke. Orders coffee, sniffing like he has a cold, or he smells something bad. I get that paranoia from high school that everyone can smell my periods. I want to check my panties but I have to ring him up and he sniffs again and now I\u2019m sweating so I can\u2019t tell if I\u2019m nervous or having another amazing boy trickle from my hormone-mutilated pussy. I tell myself, he\u2019s just a coke head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He never orders food. Just sips his coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the dark slacks, my thighs look soft and weak. I look so stupid in fast food uniforms. Not male or female just cucked. Castrated unit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I was little, I thought strip malls had actual women stripping on video screens. I thought they were like an actual mall like some kind of futuristic sex paradise. Big screens with oiled-up spray-tanned women like the magazines my dad left around. But now the real mall is dead and only the strips survived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Break time. I sit in my car eating stale donuts getting chocolate and rainbow sprinkles all over my chin. I look at the flat world around me. Everything is so fucking flat. Like I want to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n One night, that guy is waiting by my car. I never really looked at his face before. That long, sniffy nose, kind of obscene in a way I can\u2019t describe. And long eyelashes. I can\u2019t tell if he\u2019s ugly or hot. He\u2019s in his thirties, I guess? I don\u2019t really know what thirties looks like. You\u2019re my age, or you\u2019re old. He smells like dirty flowers. Makes me think of the last time I played in a park, when my hair was long with little pastel clips so close to the dirt smelling the wet grass after the sun hit it. Pretty flowers and a chocolate bar melting in my fist. Big shiny dog turd with green metal flies on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n His voice whines like those flies. I couldn\u2019t hear when he was ordering, but out here, there\u2019s something sick in it. Like buzzing electrical wires that keep me up at night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He asks if I want to make some money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I say, like counterfeiting?<\/p>\n\n\n\n He stares at me like. Then a weird laugh comes out, like a piece of glass he had to pick from his gums. He looks around, and there\u2019s no one else in the parking lot. And his face drops<\/em>. I don\u2019t know how to describe it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He says, he\u2019ll pay me for my used\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I get an awful feeling in my stomach, because I know what he\u2019s going to say. As long as no one says anything, I can keep kidding myself. But one more word and I\u2019ll know what he sees when he looks at me, when everyone looks at me, this whole time, hahaha. Like the tiny boy space I carved out is going to get pushed back in again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So I get it over with. I say, panties?<\/p>\n\n\n\n No, he says. Pads.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I say, how do you know I\u2019m wearing pads?<\/p>\n\n\n\n He doesn\u2019t say anything, just drops the money on the ground. Didn\u2019t expect him to be for real. It\u2019s a free market, I guess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I get in my car hoping the shadows cover me, and pull the pad out the front of my work pants like a bloodsoaked diaper. His nostrils twitch, big black holes, and he shivers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He takes the pad carefully, and it rustles against his nails. Holding it from below, the sticky adhesive like a fly trap, warm with my body heat. And the dirty mess on top. He flips his tie back over his shoulder and takes a sniff. I swear his mouth is watering like he\u2019s going to stick that big nose of his inside and I\u2019m honestly nervous like I don\u2019t know what Erotic Menstrual Pads are supposed to smell like or if there\u2019s bad or good kinds but I know my periods are incredibly disgusting and not nice cute little bleeds like everyone else\u2019s and he\u2019s probably going to be really mad and I\u2019m sitting there like, I fucked up. This is on me. I tricked this guy into smelling my dogshit periods. I\u2019m going to get arrested. But he just sighs, and says, thank you. Like I handed him a glass of water in the desert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then he\u2019s gone. I pick the money off the asphalt, and the underside is stained black.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n He stops coming to the store. Lmao.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I get extremely stoned in my bedroom and look inside my panties. My little dick, and below it, my pussy squishing into the dirty pad. I can smell it. This shit he paid for. I think about it every time I bleed now. Every time I throw away these pads. That\u2019s money. It\u2019s like a switch got flicked and I can\u2019t turn it off. I touch myself in a different way. This thing that produces value. I guess I just really love money. So this is the closest I\u2019ve come to loving myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I\u2019m this high, I get closed-eye visuals. I grope myself all melty, sculpting my body into different shapes that stick to my eyelids. I rub the front of my panties, this crinkling bulge, and imagine it\u2019s my dick and balls. The pad rubs my pussy and it feels so good, my boner grinding into the dirty strip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I hit the pipe and blow it out the window, into the hot night. Kids bouncing a ball around. The apartments across with their windows open, sticking their heads out to smoke cigarettes or talk on their cell phones. No one can see my panties, and I start humping the wall just below the window sill. I want to get stupid high and cum into my wet smelly pad. I take another hit, grinding on my cotton-plastic super-absorbent bulge and soaking it so heavy I\u2019m dragging snail trails up the wall, bloody streaks. I squeeze my ass tight, sucking the skid marks inside, thinking about crushing a cock between my cheeks and milking it dry. And that\u2019s when I cum hands-free, and my thighs bang into the wall making the window rattle, and I drop my glass pipe I had since middle school and it shatters two stories below, and I watch a big gob of drool hang from my mouth, and fall after it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n Last day of the weekend. I get high again but I just feel blunted. I pass out on the couch. Mom comes in. Turns on the TV. I can\u2019t shut it out. I should move but I don\u2019t. I should take a shower because my pussy itches like crazy but I don\u2019t. I haven\u2019t even changed the dirty pads I splooged in last night. I just keep watching like a fucking moron. Every second I become more like her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Old movie. All the people in it are dead. Or dying of cancer in some hospital bed. I\u2019m going to get trapped in a cube like that. Just another blur of static, a ghost on the parking lot security cameras. They delete the footage every week. In a week, even that little smear of me will be gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n Itching all day. Burns when I pee. I go home and spread my pussy in the mirror and I have a yeast infection. Picture me in my work uniform, black slacks pulled down, that scratchy black polo shirt hanging over my ass, and my cap still on. Great product placement, right. Our delicious coffee comes with a free side of cuntboy yeast. Just hold on while I dig it out of my pussy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It looks like cum and I get turned on. My growing dick rubs against my underwear all day and drives me crazy. I rub it, watching myself in the mirror. You just got cummed in. You walk around with cum leaking out of you\u2026so nasty. You got uh\u2026bred. You got pregnant now you have to get the baby punched out of you. I bend over my dresser gritting my teeth with little tears coming out of my eyes, and punch my stomach. Feel how bad that hurts? You have to get punched over and over until that retarded, deformed fetus comes out of you. You\u2019re used to bleeding nasty shit all day. This is what you deserve. You don\u2019t want another you, do you? Another Cancer. So take my fucking. Fist. Dear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mom comes home. I go to the bathroom and take my weird binder off and gag at the smell. My tits have rough scaly patches and the acne is really bad. I hope they rot off. When I\u2019m dead I\u2019ll finally be fucking flat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I turn the shower on, hot enough to hurt. I lay on my back so my tits pancake, and in that hot spray I am truly yaoi. The water burns my lips like a boy kissing me, flowing down my body smoothing it out, washing away the grease and pussy crust and yeastcum and I\u2019m super fucking horney. I tweak my nipples pretending they\u2019re puffy yaoi nipples, but I need something to look at or I won\u2019t cum. I used to draw and write fanfic and no one commented OR kudoed my story about Nahobino SMT V having a huge period and bleeding into the desert sand. Flat tube boy with beautiful hair running around a giant litter box. I don’t have giant blue hair. If I had giant blue hair everything would be okay\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n On my phone looking at gay porn through a cracked screen. On Pixiv trying to find the worst thing I can. I have a pic saved of Nahobino getting his stomach punched until he throws up. Ol Reliable\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I look up at all her hairy empty shampoo bottles she doesn\u2019t throw away all this useless feminine junk and my big boy Axe Body Wash what a fucking joke all surrounding me like a galactic senate as I grind around on this yellow-pink mildew tile my mom\u2019s alcoholic feet stand on. The pic isn\u2019t working. Wish I could draw what I like. I tried drawing Nahobino and it just looked like retard Sonic. I can’t draw because I am retard Cancer. I shut my eyes and try thinking about Nahobino\u2019s perfect genderless castrated streamlined tube body getting the shit beaten out of it. I am him. He am me. I am one tummy punch boyman. Fucking kill me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I like to jerk off with a full bladder. I push on my urethra and it\u2019s so sensitive like every touch is going to make me explode with this fake yellow cum. At the same time, I mash my clit, dick, chronicles of clitdick, and it uh feels fucking good and tingly until I can’t take it, piss squirting through my fingers and I go, uh, uhhh, too high I hate my voice, it\u2019s getting deeper but it still sounds stupid, and the orgasm is kind of there but it hurts the way it always hurts when I finger my pussy, and the afterglow fades and I\u2019m itching all over, laying there with piss pooling in my thighs. I stab my pussy again just trying to feel something, but it hurts and the water is getting cold. I slide down the tub and now piss is soaking my hairy ass and back and my finger slips inside my asshole, lubed by my stinky wagie piss, fingering an asteroid nugget of fast food and I wish I had a prostate instead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Boy stomach. Getting punched. Boy ass. Getting raped. Please let me cum. Uh. Shit shit shit. Suddenly it\u2019s hard to move and everything is blurry and I\u2019m used to feeling like shit but this is worse, I think, which is extremely fucking scary. I was so busy jerking off I stayed in way too long and I\u2019m dehydrated and my blood pressure feels weird and I need to shit. I remember the really long hot showers I\u2019d take in high school, they were like enemas. Something would loosen up and I\u2019d need to shit right after, which was really frustrating after spending like two hours getting clean.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I try to stand up and I can\u2019t. I\u2019m blacking out but my ass is going to explode all over the bathtub so I crawl out of the tub. It feels so bad not being able to dry off first, sitting on the toilet dripping everywhere, water cooling on my skin. My ass sticks to the toilet seat making me feel the folds of my tummy and my boobs squishing into it and all the other things I wouldn’t feel as much if I were dry or wearing clothes. And then the shit burns out of my asshole, ripping me apart. And there\u2019s blood, I can\u2019t tell if it\u2019s from my ass or pussy. I got ripped a new cloaca. I keep wiping, hoping its over, then more comes out, and I have to wipe again and it hurts worse each time like paper cuts. The shit is so liquid it\u2019s hanging in capillary bubbles between my cheeks. This castrating diarrhea that chains me to the toilet, forcing me to look at my tits. Maybe I shouldn\u2019t get them cut off. They hide my tiny dick and they hide the diarrhea. But I can still smell it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I flush the toilet and it clogs on all the TP. I look over my sweaty tits and see the cloudy brown fill the bowl, toilet paper swirling around like ghosts. My blood pukes up with it too, staining it red like I killed the toilet with my ass. It hurts so bad I want to kill myself. But I don\u2019t want to die on the fucking toilet, naked, with these boobs out that I don\u2019t even want. Cops standing around jerking it. Mom so drunk she can\u2019t even process. Jesus Fucking Christ. When I die, I want them to just throw me in the dirt. Don\u2019t pay some funeral faggots to box me up. No one\u2019s started a conversation with me for like a year, so don\u2019t stand around talking about me now. This could\u2019ve been an email etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I squat over the toilet, trying to reach for the medicine cabinet. A splurt of bloody diarrhea hits the seat, spilling down the side. Like dollar store chili and spaghetti sauce. Every movement unkinks my guts, squirting more out. But I find mom\u2019s painkillers. I stretch my neck under the faucet to get enough water to swallow, and this crushes my chest on the counter, dragged through the toothpaste smears, mom\u2019s dark hair sticking to my wet boobs. Reminding me why I want to get these cut off again. So my brain stops short-circuiting when I move.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My shaky ass splats back down on the desecrated seat, slippery with vampire fecal spatter. I don\u2019t know when these pills kick in so I grab my pipe and smoke even though I know mom is going to yell at me. At least I didn\u2019t shit all over the bathtub. You\u2019re welcome. I smoke until I can think even a single thought. When the pain finally starts to dissolve, I could cry, which I literally do. Like my pussy got the knife pulled out. Like my uterus got pulled off the hot stove. I look down into the toilet and all the bad stuff under my fat thighs looks super dark and evil. I wonder how much that guy would pay for this. Probably like a million dollars.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I sit on the toilet, so chilled out my head is resting back on the tank. Cold porcelain chilling my brain out. And in the warm empty space where the pain used to be, I\u2019m suddenly very very turned on. My thighs are full of blood. My dick is painfully swollen. I\u2019m so worked up from it getting chafed all day, then edging in the shower for an hour. I need to cum as badly as I needed to shit. So bad I can\u2019t decide what to cum to, like I have a golden bullet and I\u2019m trying to aim it. And I\u2019m praying like thank god there\u2019s something that can move through my body in a straight line. You know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shlk shlk shlk. Me and my friends Weed and Adrenaline and Mom\u2019s Pills are racing the pain, trying to scrape this \u2018gasm out of my chasm like extra-sparkly gunk. My holes hurt so bad but I keep abusing them. Am I one of the guys now? Is this male pain? Boy pain? Why can’t I ask for a dick in my ass? It can take anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I think about that guy. Walking away in those tight business fag pants of his. Like he had a stick up his asshole. I think about feeding him my hell period from my hands like a deer or pony or something. I swear I’m not a freak I don’t think like that. But weed does this thing where it makes my imagination morph every second and I can’t control it, crazy images shapeshifting and all I can do is watch. Sometimes the images are hot but they get ugly and weird and I can’t control it, like I\u2019m in a sexual nightmare ocean of pussy blood and it\u2019s throwing me around on the waves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I spread my legs and even that feels insanely good. The more I spread, the harder and wetter I get, smelling my period shit soup like I\u2019m a fucking hairy animal in heat all sexy and wounded and I think about bleeding into his mouth. The weed shows me sitting on coral fantasy spiky growths on the edge of the uterus death sea and my legs are spread so wide and my chest is flat and all the surgical pulp is coming out of my pussy and he\u2019s eating it. The surgeons cut off my breasts and he has to eat them. Or my body ate itself, ribs spreading like teeth, and I\u2019m shitting my mangled boobs out and he\u2019s eating them like a dirty pig. I\u2019m shitting out my cyst-covered ovaries and you know what they call those? Chocolate cysts. Filled with rotten old blood. Eat my chocolate, you skinny faggot pig. You fucking creep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I think about that long nose of his, sniffing in my direction. Making me flush under my work uniform, baggy black clothes sticking to my sweaty body. His stringy dark hair that he tries to keep neat, but it won\u2019t behave, like he\u2019s fundamentally too greasy to uncreepify himself no matter how many showers he takes. Sneaking around parking lots, paying girls for their dirty menstrual products. Or one very special boy (that\u2019s me). I hope that felt special. Like the fucking menstruation fetish jackpot. So pathetic. I can\u2019t imagine being in my 30s. I hate that I think about him. I hate this dad-shaped hole in me. But the dick don\u2019t lie and it says, I wish I had an older boyfriend who was a freak. And could help me become a Real Boy. Shlk shlk shlk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I fantasize about bringing him home but I don\u2019t get in trouble for having a boyfriend because mom marries him and she stops drinking and I hear them having sex through the walls and one day, maybe Xmas after mom cooked a big meal like she used to and it was a great night and now she\u2019s in bed asleep\u2014he comes up behind me and I feel him or maybe it\u2019s New Year, a really special night that feels between everything, and it\u2019s dark on the couch and he\u2019s touching me and he shouldn\u2019t and he touches back there where it\u2019s dirty and he pushes inside me and I\u2019m his son and he cums inside me and he says he\u2019s so happy to be part of this family and don\u2019t tell anyone or mom will start drinking again. And I sit there crying and trying not to get cum on the couch where mom used to drink or she\u2019s going to drink again. I have to hide the cum. I rub my butt around because it hurts. Now there\u2019s blood and his semen on the couch and he makes me lick it off so no one will know. It tastes like my butt and it tastes like my pussy and I cry. This is what you are, he says. You\u2019re my private pussy son I can fuck. I\u2019m going to buy you birth control. And that\u2019s when I cum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Imagine a really good orgasm here. Imagine I wanted to scream but I couldn\u2019t. Imagine my pussy is still aching. Imagine my dick hurts like it was fucking sandpaper but I can\u2019t stop rubbing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yeah, that\u2019s great, the idea of having a boyfriend is so insane I imagined him marrying and fucking my mom instead. What the fuck is wrong with me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n But it made my pussy explode. So I guess I really am like that. Why is it only hitting me now? Drugs are the only time I have intelligent or original thoughts. And the original thought of the week\/month\/year, my one fucking epiphany, is the sex I have with strangers and the sex I have with myself is completely different. Because they\u2019re trying to feel good, and I don\u2019t know how to feel good. I thought I\u2019d end up feeling good but maybe I have a totally different set of organs. Cyst boy. I\u2019m a little pussy sludge that got shit out and now I have to live like this with these Cronenberg parts no one understands. These guys just want to bust in me and some of them even try to help me bust too. And it seems so obvious and simple but I just can\u2019t feel it. All I have is pain. So I guess the thing I want to share is pain. Pain and humiliation and garbage. Maybe that\u2019s why I\u2019m thinking about this nasty dude becoming my mom\u2019s boyfriend and raping me. Maybe that\u2019s why I feel like my clit is going to shoot off like a bullet, even though I just came. Rubbing my dick with my thumb, while I finger the hole I was just shitting out of. It burns but I don\u2019t care. My pussy is dripping down into my asshole lubing it up. Weed changes the channel, the pictures in my head going faster and freakier the more I jerk off, like I\u2019m driving on a wet road. That dark-hair guy comes into work and I hand him his coffee but this time it\u2019s full of steaming triple espresso boy period chocolate cyst diarrhea and I make him jerk off in it so there\u2019s creamer and he drinks it and he\u2019s naked and everyone is naked and has to drink my evil crotch coffee and I cum so hard the toilet bangs into the wall. Am I squirting? Squirting blood? My pussy spits dark red and it stings so good coming out. This is insane. I\u2019m so high, it really feels like I have a dick. Glowing yaoi penis spraying into his face and making it so pretty the way the blood flows down, his mouth open like a hyena choking on my nasty pussy spray, swallowing all the blood and shit of my pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n I switch to cups because I Read ABout it ONline. I\u2019m sick of waddling around with pads between my legs, worrying that someone can smell me. The cups come in pink, purple, or clear. I get clear even though I like pink and purple. I pinch it into a little burrito and push it inside, twisting between my full bladder and the shit I haven\u2019t taken. Feels extremely weird and bad, and I\u2019m ready to give up like tampons. Then I find the right angle and it slips in, lubed by blood. And it opens up. Secret cup drinking my blood so no one has to know about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Feels weird taking them out like they\u2019re going to suck my guts out. But maybe that\u2019s another reason I don\u2019t use tampons. I\u2019m sick of being penetrated there. Little vampire penises. Pads are like the neutral option. Asexual baby mode. With cups at least I\u2019m filling something up. Better Out Than In. Gross, right? But it\u2019s easier to piss than cum, and easier to shit than take a dick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n He\u2019s back. He orders coffee and drinks it in the corner. I start sweating like I\u2019m in trouble. I don\u2019t want this weird guy who paid me for dirty pads hanging around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I look up, and he\u2019s gone. And I think, this is just one of billions of shitty coffee places with chuzillions of strip mall rats like me in uniforms and he doesn\u2019t even remember me. Nothing touches anything. Nothing is connected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I stay late cleaning the toilets and lock up after I\u2019m done. My car is the only one left in the parking lot. As I walk toward it, my stomach gets tight. It\u2019s always dead quiet, even during the day. And now it\u2019s dark and there isn\u2019t even a breeze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He comes out from behind my car like he\u2019s growing out of it. If I yell, no one will come. Flat buildings just for business, no houses, all emptied out. Not even the glow of a liquor store.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He stops like he can smell how scared I am. Like there\u2019s a pool of water around me and he doesn\u2019t want to get his feet wet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I say something retarded like, hey what\u2019s up. Just trying to act normal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n His face does something. I think he\u2019s trying to smile, but it just looks worse. And it doesn\u2019t stick. He looks strung out. I know that face. Dead glass face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He says, I want to pay you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t normally blush, but my face goes red hot, and I hope it\u2019s too dark to see. I say, I don\u2019t use pads anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He sniffs like coke is dripping down his sinuses, and his tongue flicks out, and that\u2019s all it takes to smell his breath, rotten and sweet. He says, so what do you have? Like we\u2019re out of a menu item.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I say, how much money do you have?<\/p>\n\n\n\n He shows me and it looks pretty good. So I get in my car and unzip my black work pants. I say, don\u2019t look.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He says, I don\u2019t need to. I can smell it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What the fuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have to spread my legs and take my pants off all the way, so I\u2019m sitting bare ass on the seat hoping he doesn\u2019t look inside. The cup is giving me a lot of trouble. I didn\u2019t expect to sweat so much. I push like I\u2019m shitting, and hook it with my finger until I break the seal suction cupping it to my insides. It schloops out and I\u2019m so embarrassed to show him my Silent Hill period cup. The plastic is stained brown and yellow. I never clean it anymore. I used hydrogen peroxide at first but like, why bother. It\u2019s just going back up there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The rim looks like the opening of a condom, that rubbery ring. There is so much blood inside. And there\u2019s layers, like a swamp. Black scum floating on the surface. I have to appreciate it, like staring at a big shit. My raw fucking pain. I hope he appreciates it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He hands me the money through the window, and this time I count it. Wad of 100s. But I try to act like I do this all the time. I give him the cup, and he holds it like a shot glass. Rolls it around, sniffing it like wine. We used to go to church, and I think about the communion cups full of dark red fluid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve met perverts before. Sold pics online to some guys when I was 13, 14. The weird thing is, he isn\u2019t jerking off or talking about his fantasy or anything. He honestly looks disgusted. But it\u2019s like he can\u2019t help himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He chugs that shit. Slurp slurp. Eyes rolling back. And it hits him the way a shot hits my mom, when she gets the high-proof shit after a few days of withdrawal. Like someone addicted to being punched in the face. He drops the empty cup and he\u2019s got my cervical goo on his lips like I nutted in him. Endometriosis lip gloss. He straightens up trying to act dignified, like nothing even happened, but he\u2019s holding that cup like my mom holds a glass, kind of stupid and obvious pretending like she\u2019s not going to pour another, waiting for me to look the other way. And it makes me sad. Like part of her still cares what I think. Like she knows she\u2019s hurting herself. And she hates that she\u2019ll keep doing it. Maybe I\u2019ll end up like her. Maybe cutting my tits off will save me. Maybe I should cut something else. I don\u2019t see a way out. But these 100s feel good in my hand. They feel like my dick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I say, meet me next week. Cold flash of sweat just from putting it out there like that. I don\u2019t really tell people What To Do. I think I got laughed at a bunch so I stopped. Saying shit too quiet for anyone to hear me, apparently, but wondering, did they hear? Was it just so cringe they didn\u2019t respond? Was there some kind of historical problematic reason I\u2019m too dumb to know about? Or they say, I can\u2019t hear you. So you raise your voice a couple times and by the time they can hear you, it just sounds stupid, whatever cool tough or flirty thing I was saying, and the louder I get, the more you can hear my lisp and that nasal cleft palate hole that God fucked into the roof of my mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But the guy hears me. It\u2019s like nothing else exists but this parking lot surrounded by darkness. He wipes my pussy blood off his lips and he looks so cold and so hateful. But he doesn\u2019t say no. And I know what happens when you can\u2019t say no. Shit keeps happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2726<\/p>\n\n\n\n thank you Krabat, Kuaikuai, and Josh for your invaluable contributions. many parts are inspired by the experiences of others<\/em> <3<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I work at the strip mall coffee shop. Scratchy black shirt that itches on my clammy back. Slacks my ass looks too big in. Baseball hat that crushes my sweaty black hair into my ears. I lean forward to hide my tits. I\u2019ve become a goblin thing, using my shoulders and the bagginess of my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[61],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4449","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-leash"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4449","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4449"}],"version-history":[{"count":30,"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4449\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5077,"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4449\/revisions\/5077"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4449"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4449"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xrafstar.monster\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4449"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
My Welbutrin?
What about weed haha.
Edibles?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
I need my job to pay for this.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n