I miss Fall.

Her memorial page is here, and I’m grateful to the people who spent so much care on it, at a time where it’s so easy to feel paralyzed, like I do, so I’ll talk about the mundane stupid things that make up a friendship.

She got super into stuff. If you recommended her an album of any possible genre she wouldn’t brush you off, she’d listen to the whole thing. She took things as they are, without irony, hedging, or insecurity. Once I mentioned listening to an album that was in Japanese and she surprised me by translating it for my birthday: https://fall-rose.neocities.org/unhappy_refrain/main.html

We connected over games a lot. I coached her on Magic drafts, we’d play the same roguelike and compare runs, and we played shooters. With those, she was only able to keep track of about 10% of what was happening onscreen, moving like she had tank controls, it was cute. We’d be hollering over mic like FALL SOME GUY IS COMING AT YOU TURN TURN SHOOT HIM!! Then she’d get mowed down. But sometimes she’d clutch and it was great, is not two small copper frags worth more than the perfect KDR of those with the ergonomic gamer chair, etc etc.

We played Valheim together and she tended crops for our base, so people would have food.

We were talking about exercise, because so much of our disowned, thrown away generation involves being each other’s parents in micro-doses, and she taught me a Tai Chi move that she thought I would enjoy, because it’s kind of like a stomp, and I did. I like to stomp and I like to breathe.

She was a huge encouragement as I wrote my novel. One of her ideas is in there, so she’ll always be part of it.

My nickname for her was Fally Ball, because I’m always giving people stupid nicknames.

She visited once, taking the train down from Portland. We walked below the underpass to the corner store so she could get some late-night Monster, then I played Survival Kids for the Game Boy Color on the projector (I saw a screenshot in Nintendo Power as a kid but never got to play it so I wanted to try it) and she watched for hours until she fell asleep. It’s nice falling asleep on the couch while someone plays games. She left a note on the fridge before she left. I love it. It’s still there.

So many times she’d mention something in her past and I’d be like lmaooo how the fuck are you still alive. She had a crazy fucking life. In a different world she’d be a priestess, an augur. She was a really sweet sincere person. I wish I’d said something that would have kept her alive. I wish I’d known. I wish she was still here.

2 grubs honk balefully on “Fall

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